Gospel-Driven Singleness

How do we handle the desire for a relationship?

Since I was in middle school, I have heard one thing about relationships, or more accurately, not being in a relationship. I’ve heard, “singleness is a blessing”, “don’t wish away your singleness”, “Paul was single his whole life, and look how God used him!” Although I truly believe singleness is a blessing that you shouldn’t wish away, it created an unhealthy relationship in my mind with me desiring a relationship. If I ever caught myself wanting to be in a relationship, I immediately felt terrible.

I thought I was being ungrateful, like I wasn’t pressing into the Lord because I had this desire for a relationship. It wasn’t until recently that I was able to see this in my own life.

Here is the truth, a desire for relationship isn’t bad, but allowing that desire to drive your life is dangerous.

We were made for relationship, for community. Scripture encourages community, relationship, and marriage. I am not bashing on these things at all, I actually want to promote them! The danger comes when you make decisions based on a desire for relationship. Often this looks like a desire for acceptance or love. Those are two major perks of a healthy relationship; you feel accepted and loved by someone.

The desire for these things were placed in you to be fulfilled by Christ, but often we look for these things to be fulfilled in other capacities.  You know what I mean, when you change your actions in hopes that someone will notice you or give you the attention you desire. Our eyes should be set on the things above (Colossians 3:2), not on a relationship you feel like you have to manipulate. The things of this world are hard, but when a relationship is in the will of God it often comes easily. Don’t try to win the praise or adoration of someone.

You are worthy of love and adoration. If you have to convince someone of that, they’re not for you.

If you make excuses for how the person acts or treats you, they’re not for you.

If you are constantly feeling unworthy or pressured by them, they are not for you.

Don’t lower your own value because someone isn’t willing to pay the price. What kind of lengths are you willing to go to for a relationship or to stay in a relationship you know isn’t good for you?

It all boils down to the thing you are worshipping, a relationship or God. Are you seeking security from a relationship rather than from God? Are you seeking acceptance from a relationship rather than from God? Are you seeking joy, fulfillment, satisfaction, belonging from a relationship rather than God?

Much like anything else, if your love life isn’t Gospel-driven, you will end up lost and unfulfilled.

Relationships are a beautiful thing when God has orchestrated it. And just because you were in a relationship that ended in a breakup doesn’t mean God didn’t orchestrate it. God uses every relationship to mold you more into who He wants you to be. A breakup doesn’t always mean that the Lord wasn’t pleased with your relationship, but that relationship wasn’t the one He has for you forever.

We were made for relationship, for community. Scripture clearly addresses the value and blessing that marriage carries, but marriage isn’t the goal. We weren’t made for marriage; we were made for Jesus. Relationships are messy and tricky, especially when you are acting outside the will of God. A desire for a relationship is not a bad thing when it’s rooted in holiness. But, don’t allow a relationship to be your end goal.

The point of life is not to get married, but to know God and make Him known. The rest will fall into place.